


Gift

by baeberiibungh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, M/M, Therapy, i am very very bad at tagging so sorry, inspired by serial killer fics, psychological problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-28 00:29:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2712350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeberiibungh/pseuds/baeberiibungh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas asks Dean why Dean loves him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gift

Dean looks at his boyfriend rummaging in the fridge for a beer. His naked ass is thrust out provocatively and makes Dean want to lick him up again. It has been a good evening, with whimpers and moans peppering their bedroom. And that is usually it for Dean for some days. But seeing Cas bent over like this, he is feeling hot again, skin too tight to hold him in and his breath kind of stuttering.

Cas turns around with two beers in his hand, completely at ease with his nudity. Dean is wearing a tee shirt and boxers, needing that extra cover even in Cas’s presence to feel relaxed. Cas says nothing about it of course. He knows Dean. How he hates to be out in the open, needing layers of clothes as protection before he can venture out of his home, is not good at interacting with people he doesn't know and finds the whole process of socializing beyond exhausting.

Dean is a writer, happy to write about things that will not and should not happen. He has an extensive library and has built good resources over the years to help him write as truthfully as possibly without steeping out. The only time he goes out is with Cas and that too only to the park for runs and the grocery stores to stock up. Seeing how Dean lived his life hidden from most, meeting with Cas was an amazing discovery in serendipity and one he has been thankful for ever since.

They have been together for four years now. Long enough for Cas to know all about his childhood, his father who died when Dean was a teen and his brother who is the one other person Dean feels completely at ease with and his mother who left them when Sam was a year old. And the other stuff, that had come out only in the dark bedroom late at night, Dean’s voice smooshed by the pillow he hid his face in as he recounted them, ashamed and fearful how his confession would drive Cas away for sure. But Cas had held him and kissed him into the seeping light of dawn and Dean has felt deserving for the first time in years.

Sometimes Dean wonders if he could have grown up to be a different person given different circumstances. His descent was a gradual one, hampered by the pull of Sam into happiness and the one or two people he counts as friend making this journey more difficult. He was a vivacious child. He was a curious teen. He was a broken adult. What happened in between only the law officers involved knew. Until he told Cas. Sam he never told, afraid to taint his view of his brother as well as the world.

He became less and less social, barely managing to graduate owing to recurrent panic attacks that would set him off at any time. He was never able to hold onto a job, everything proving too stressful and the sheer weight of fucking up one more time always winning in its weight. His writing had been his only solace. Then one day Ruby came upon on them, and sent them to a publisher without telling Dean. He didn’t even know. Seven months later, Ruby gives him the phone to talk with a Robert Singer and the rest is history.

His books, under a pseudonym that protects his privacy, are bestsellers now and he makes enough money to live exactly as he wants. He has been in therapy to fight his anxiety and agoraphobia and is a functional adult at best. That is when and when he met Cas. He was a patient of the same psychologist, meeting each other by chance when one was leaving and the other entering the building. Dean was accompanied by Kevin, his anxiety not allayed by then. This happened a couple of times. Then Dean made the decision of going alone, possibly seeing the stranger and letting him see Dean as surely capable of walking alone.

The plan backfired when he had a sudden panic attack and just as he was feeling he was going to die choking on his own fear, a pair of hands had held him up and drawn another in lazy strokes through his back. Abhorrent to touch almost 99.99% of the time, Dean had not minded this touch for some reason, or perhaps he was too out of it. When he came down, he saw to his amazement that the hands had belonged to the black haired stranger he always stared at.

His name was Cas, he had said, and Dean had offered his own in reply, surprising even himself. And therein their story had started. They had their first date one month after that. Both moved in together nine months after the date and they have been together since. Cas was incidentally diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies, and he was certainly cold to everyone and quite used to getting things his way or making it so.

Meeting with Dean changed him too, if the testament of his family is anything to go by. Dean has heard Gabriel tell how Cas used to instigate fight among classmates and then study their mental and physical reaction from the sidelines. It took quite a while for them to catch up to him and it had been a lucky streak. Not that he cared. No one bullied him; the one time a big fella mistakenly did, he ended up in a hospital fighting for life. Cas had ended up in court when it was determined what was his problem.

Anna said that it was a good thing Cas beat up the guy, the matter settled out of court with a huge amount changing hands. Otherwise, his family was told, they would have never found out about his condition and taken appropriate steps. He changed many psychologists, traumatised a few psychiatrist and tried many combination and concoction of meds and alternative means. His family was about to give up when Cas met Dean. And that changed Cas in ways his family had never been able to force him to.

Both were still undergoing therapy, both still on combination of meds, but somehow the two made it work. It was not those both were broken and thus fit each other’s crack or something. It was more like both were broken and helped each other to be a little less broken. Both had bad days and good days, Cas’s work with cars and Dean’s books syncing up perfectly so that it was ultimately a good life for both of them.

Dean is halfway into his beer that Cas says, inexplicably, “I love you”. This is the first time he had ever said it sober or not in the throes of passion. Dean stares at him for a minute and return an equally empathic, “I love you too Cas.”

“Why?” asks Cas in a tone of utter befuddlement. “Why do you love me Dean? How do you even know you do love me? I love you and I know because I cannot imagine my life other way. You are the light to my darkness. When I don’t feel anything, anything at all, I can still feel you. You could ask me to do anything right now and I would do it just because you asked. I know I love you but I cannot understand why you love me. I don’t understand at all. Why do you love me Dean?” asks Cas earnestly, a pained expression on his face that Dean had never seen before.

Dean is surprised at this line of questioning. Cas has not been one for the metaphysical, arguments lost on him when drawn from should have or could haves. The fact that Cas was feeling so deeply about it was extraordinary. Maybe the questions are the result of something someone said, although seeing how he is clear about his reason for loving Dean, the query seems to be self inflicted. Looking at Cas, Dean sees how his eyes are showing affection that he rarely does, he endeavours to answer Cas as honestly as he can.

“All my life, I have given things only after being asked, mostly because I would not give without asking. With you though, I want to give without being asked, even if I never learned how to show that permission is no longer necessary. I want to give you anything you want of me and it’s only to you I want to give. With you, it’s not that I have to give, but I want to gift and this I feel only for you. No other person, not even Sam has that right over me. That is what you mean to me. That is how I know I love you. Does this answer your question?” asks Dean directing his steadiest look at Cas.

“Yes. Yes it does,” smiles Cas, his face happy and he leans in for a kiss that tastes of the beers they shared and the promise of a good future together.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know much about psychological problems and related therapy. If i have made any mistake, please forgive me. This work was inspired by a few serial killer fics i read recently, this was supposed to be one too, but i got derailed. comments, crits, kudos, etc welcome.


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